


You Remind Me of Disaster

by angrybaby



Series: I Loved You First [3]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Banner is a therapist, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky is a sassy piece of shit, Coming Out, Conservative beliefs clash with these two, Dialogue, Flashbacks, Interesting Conversations, M/M, Pining, Protective Steve Rogers, Remebering stuff, What? I'm gay?, old stuff, steve loves bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 01:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10548006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybaby/pseuds/angrybaby
Summary: It didn’t seem possible but Bucky defied the odds once again. His memories start to trickle back, one at a time. He regains himself. He remembers and Steve looks younger than he has in years.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively: “This I Swear by the Stars”
> 
> This part of the story is mainly dialogue and I am aware of that. I had no intention for it to be this way. But, after writing it, it seemed okay. Nice.

 

 ****There isn’t a specific turning point in life that he can attribute to the memories. It’s as if one day he doesn’t remember a thing about Steve’s clothes in the 1920’s and the next day he can name what store, brand, size, and material they were made of. He shocks himself and makes Steve cry out of happiness. The words just fall out of his mouth before he gains any sense as to what they mean. Was he always like this? Speaking without thinking? Acting without any consideration?

 

Bucky has a feeling in the back of his mind that this behavior led to him being here.

 

…

 

He didn’t know he had parents. They told him he wasn’t born but rather crafted. He was a project and not a human being.

 

When he remembers, his heart breaks. He feels split in two: the asset and the boy from Brooklyn. Memories of cloudy skies, stifling air, and freshly pressed shirts makes his head swim.

 

They took away his life. He had known nothing but enclosed white walls, lab coats, and pain. They’d given him nothing but hatred. He wasn’t so much a person to be considered but a thing to be used. They tortured him, took his own memories out of his head, and made him believe he was out of a storybook. They made him forget how to live. How it felt to be loved. He didn’t even remember his parents’ damn names. He only knew the whisper of a thought that once in awhile played in his head. He knew nothing about his sister that Steve insisted he had. With wide eyes and a trembling mouth, he read about himself in a museum. How is that any way to live? To learn things about yourself that you never knew? To see them on display in a goddamn museum? Bucky feels emptier than he’d ever been. He wishes silently for the ice to intrude again. He wishes to be alone and to forget. He doesn’t want to live this facade of a life. He isn’t who he used to be. He will never be who he used to be. He has no idea how to be James B Barnes. How can he when the very nature of being himself was stolen from him inside numerous bank vaults and testing chairs?

 

…

 

He cannot breathe. Steve notices.

 

Oh, it is a blessing and a curse to remember. The becomings of oneself is an arduous task Bucky was not equipped for.

 

....

 

There are so many bad days they outnumber the good. He wants out. Steve is very aware. Steve stops going out. He stays home to bake with Bucky. He listens to Bucky’ silent revelations that translate to anger, violence, and grief. He lets himself be cried on. He severs himself from the outside world so that Bucky will never feel alone again.

 

...

 

“I remember you being sick.”

 

“Which time? I was sick quite a bit.”

 

“Maybe that’s why. I just remember  you being sick the entire time.”

 

“Well, you’re not wrong. I used to joke about having one foot in the grave all the time and you would punch me. Said it wasn’t funny.”

 

“Yeah. I remember you being a little shit also.”

 

“Hey!”

 

…

 

There isn’t a day that goes by where Bucky wonders about his parents. He can’t remember their names. He can only remember their distant presence in his life decades ago. One time, he asked Steve about them and Steve had to sit down for a while and think. Bucky doesn’t know whether to be scared or happy.

 

…

 

“They never liked me.”

 

“What? Why not?”

 

“Your folks were the conservative type. Skinny little boy like me meant big trouble to them. Didn’t look like a real boy but just a skeleton.”

“How does that make anything different?”

 

“I don’t know, either. I always meant to ask you. You never wanted to talk about your parents after they kicked you out, though.”

  
  
“They what?”

 

“God, Buck. There’s so much of your life you never told me. Hell, I don’t even know why they kicked you out. You said it was about you being drunk when you came home but you’d done that multiple times and I didn’t see how that time was any different.”

 

Bucky doesn’t know what to say.

 

“Aren’t parents supposed to love their children?”

 

“I guess it was different back in the 30’s. There were a lot of reasons to drop your kid. You were 18 then, too. You didn’t care much about it but you would always avoid mentioning them. I could see why you did. You used to say that they restricted you.”

 

“I wish I could remember.”

 

“I wish you could, too. I miss my ma. Seems like we’re all out of place in this century.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

…

 

Dr. Banner tells him not to worry about it.

 

“In time, you’ll remember. I have a theory: you remember the things you deemed most significant in your life from the past. Apparently, you pushed back the memory of your family very far. One of these days, you’re bound to remember.”

 

Bucky nods silently. He can’t tell if he wants to remember any more about his parents.

 

…

 

“Hey, Steve?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Do you remember getting into fights?”

 

Steve crinkles his nose and squints his eyes. “Ha. Every day. We would get into so many of them. Seemed like we were always fighting someone.”

 

…

 

“Who’s Edmund?”

 

“Wow, Buck. You remember that?”

 

“Just the name. I can’t remember anything else. Who is he?”

 

“He was a boy who moved into our school when we were, I think, 12?  You beat him up. I don’t know why. You always liked him. I thought for a hot second that you’d drop me for him. But you said he stole something from you so you had to beat him up? I can’t remember…”

 

That troubles Bucky. Why does he feel like he knows that’s a lie?

 

“Are you sure I beat him up?”

 

“Yeah. He moved away after that. You were angry for weeks.”

 

Shit. He remembers.

 

“Steve. I think I might’ve… huh.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothin’.”

 

“Ugh.”

 

…

 

Did he really love a boy? Shit. He did. Wait, why does he care? Why does it seem so off limits? It’s a new century. Bucky knows all the new laws passed about boys loving boys and girls loving girls. Why does this make his heart stir?

 

…

 

“I know why.”

 

Steve almost drops his cereal bowl.

 

“God, Bucky. I gotta get you a bell or something so I know you’re walking around. Geez.”

 

“Don’t your ears work.”

 

“Yeah, but still.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Wait, what do you remember.”

 

“Why I don’t remember my parents.”  
  
“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yes, it does.”

 

Steve sets his bowl down on the counter. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No offense, but I think I might talk to Banner about this one.”

 

“None taken. I guess Banner is a bit more understanding about this concept than I am.”

 

Steve continues to eat his cereal but Bucky sees past the layers of muscle and blonde hair. He’s hurt that he isn’t Bucky’s first choice. Bucky sees the change in expression. He feels the distance between the two. Bucky doesn’t want to isolate himself from Steve, but he can’t talk to him about this one.

 

…

 

“So, uh, Bruce.”

 

“What would you like to talk about today?”

 

“See, that’s the thing.”

 

“I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

 

“I don’t know if I should talk about it because I think the other guy, Bucky, didn’t want it ever getting out.”

 

“Hmm. Is there anyway to further explain without telling me exactly?”

 

Bucky sighs. Part of him tells him it’s wrong but the other half tells him he needs to let out this century old secret.

 

“I think. I think he might’ve…” Bucky mumbles. Banner leans in closer to hear him. His eyebrows are raised in anticipation.

“I don’t know.”

 

“If you ever wanted to discuss it later -”

 

“No. I need… I need to say this now, I think.”  
  
“And why’s that?”

 

“It’s been too long.”

 

“Well, I can wait for as long as you like.”

 

Bucky breathes for approximately 10 minutes. He squirms in his seat. He tries to begin his thoughts fourteen times but stops. He doesn’t know where to start. Banner sits, smiling patiently.

 

“Maybe it could help if you started anywhere? It doesn’t matter if it’s out of order.”

 

“Okay. Okay.”

 

Bucky purses his lips, thinking hard.

 

“He loved boys.”

 

“Who is he?”

 

“Me. I mean, old me. Old Bucky.”

 

“And how does that make you feel?”

 

“That’s the confusing part, Banner. I feel liberated when I say that but at the same time, I feel like I’ve dug myself deeper into this hole. I feel split. Half of me wants to be who I used to be but the other half tells me I can no longer be me.”

 

Banner nods his head. Bucky relaxes fractionally.

 

“I want to be who everyone wants me to be. I know that they have expectations and all I do is disappoint. I can’t remember things I used to do. I can’t do the things I used to do. Hell. How can I when Hydra took away all of those things from me? I was robbed. Steve was robbed. And it’s not like I can do anything about it. Nobody will let me out of the house. People walk on eggshells when they talk to me. They think I don’t notice but they forget that I was trained to notice everything. I can tell when the wind shifts, when a person breathes a room away, I was trained to know everything. I don’t know how to deal with… this. I want to be able to do the things people want me to. I can’t. It hurts.”

 

Bucky feels the tears rolling down his cheeks. He hears Banner sniffle.

 

“I believe, and correct me if you think I’m wrong, that people shouldn’t expect you to be who you were, and neither should you. Whoever you were a century ago is not who you are now. And if you decide that your sexuality has carried over from the 1930’s or if you despise who you once were, that’s your own decision. This is the 21st century. You can be anything you want. You shouldn’t be afraid of who you are. If you ever need me to send an angry email to anyone who says otherwise, just tell me.”

 

Bucky thanks him. It’s an awkward goodbye when they are done. Bucky’s face is swollen and he feels unwelcome in his own skin. He walks home in the constant drizzle and opens the door to find Steve sprawled on the couch, mouth open and snoring loudly. He’s still in his combat gear. Bucky’s been too preoccupied to notice he’s been gone. He feels guilty for not noticing.

 

Bucky nudges him with his toe and Steve jumps awake. His hair sticks in all different directions and one eye is slightly closed.

 

“You stink.”

 

Steve relaxes again, closing his eyes and flipping Bucky off.

 

“Fell asleep before I even got to change.”

 

“Are you going to?”

 

“Yeah… lemme just… wait, why?”

 

“Because you stink. I thought I made that clear.”

 

“God, okay. Hey, wait… were you crying?”

 

“An emotional conversation was had between me and Banner.”

 

Steve nods and the jealousy is present on his face again.

 

“Well, I’m gonna change now.”

 

“Good.”

 

…

 

“Are you proud of yourself?”

 

“Damn, Bucky. What kind of question is that?”

 

“A question.”

 

“A loaded one.”

  
  
“Well?”

 

“I think so, yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“I dunno.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“I dunno.”

 

…

 

Bucky only agrees to see Tony for his arm. Steve talked him into it. Apparently, he’s the best technician Steve has ever met. Bucky has to think about that one. When Bucky meets Tony, he gets dizzy from the words Tony is basically vomiting. He sits in a daze as Tony fixes up his arm.

 

Bucky agrees to see Tony twice a month for arm-checkups. Steve approves.

 

…

 

Bucky slowly begins feeling again. He feels emotions he had long gone without. He accompanies Steve everywhere now and he notices people. He sees the emo kids, the intimidating hipsters, the crunchy granola hippies, and the godlike street models. He stares at people but it’s New York City. People here are born rude.

 

Steve sometimes nudges him when he stares too long.

  
“Didn’t your mother teach you better?”

 

“I don’t remember my mother.”

  
  
“Oh, fuck, I’m such an idiot.”

 

“Yeah. You are.”

 

Bucky reevaluates. It’s pretty clear to him now that change is fine. It’s time to be who he really is, as cheesy as that sounds.

 

…

 

“George. Winifred. Rebecca.”

 

“Your parents? And Becca?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good job, Buck. Proud.”

 

“Thanks. Did you know they’re buried here? Becca is still alive, though.”

 

“Oh. I didn’t look, I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, Steve. Don’t make that face. You didn’t need to.”

 

He doesn’t say that he remembers why he was booted from his house. That stings a bit too much. That’s safe for keeping secret.

…

 

“How do I go about telling people?”

 

“Well, you could alway just tell them straight up. No hesitation. Or you could hint at it. You could wait until the national holiday to do it. You could send a mass text, email, or send letters. You could-”

 

“I think I’ll just tell them without hesitation.”

  
  
“That’s what I was thinking. Seems more your style.”

 

Bucky smiles at Banner. He feels the muscles in his face stretch. He feels comfortable in his own skin. He feels alive and no longer just a shell of a past body. He is who he is. He will become who he want to be.

 

Things will be alright. Hopefully, Steve stays through this.


End file.
